Runtime Failure
by AugustinianFrog
Summary: The stress of a suicide mission can do a number to any organic's mental and emotional health. Regardless of stress, organics have antics and prejudices that Legion will never reach a consensus on.


_Author's Note__: Way back when, I wrote a series of comical stories set in Mass Effect 1. I only just recently finished Mass Effect 2. I had toyed with the idea of picking up where I left off in my first story, Mass Ethics. Unfortunately, I was having difficulty meshing the story lines, especially considering the mess I had made. That and also my OC only read a couple of the character's psychological reports before promptly leaving with a resounding "NO." _

_So that's why there's Legion_

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><p><em><strong>Data initializing...<strong>_

_** uploading data...**_

_** Recordings initializing...**_

_** Running observations of mobile platform designated "Legion."**_

_ We have been running observations on the unit cohesion and interactions among the organics aboard the Normandy. The purpose was for possible available upgrades and beneficial modifications, both for short term and long term parameters. Short term includes improving present circumstances among the organics we must work with. Long term benefits include the search for improved run times among Geth and possible countermeasures should organics intend further hostilities. _

_ Endeavors have so far proven severely sub standard._

_ Normandy's cohesion appears centered around Shepard-Commander. Although there is a designated counselor aboard this ship, Kelly-Yeoman, she does not appear to be performing up to specifications. Organic crew members appear to request Shepard-commander's aid for personal errors in their run times._

_ We have confronted Kelly-Yeoman on this observation. Her response is as follows. _

_ "Kelly-Yeoman. We have been running observations since our arrival. We have come to the conclusion that your specifications are either redundant or obsolete." _

_ "...What?" Kelly asked in shock. _

_ "You are the designated psychologist aboard the Normandy. It is your function to make sure crew members are at optimum functioning levels within their run times. However, most go to Shepherd-Commander, bypassing you and your functioning." _

_ "Well, Legion, I would be willing to help them with their problems except that they are more violent in nature. Believe me, if their problems, and I recall your problem as well, didn't have to be resolved with thermal clips and an anti-material rifle, I would have been more than willing to resolve it on my own." _

_ We have analyzed the validity of this response and conclude, with the note that it took 1.25 seconds longer than usual, to reach the consensus that that was in fact the correct response. _

_ Regardless, there remains multiples inefficiencies within the Normandy operations._

_Superficial observation yields that Kasumi finds her primary functions unnecessary during the majority of the mission. This is not a problem among Geth, however, organics feel the need to preoccupy their time. _

_Jacob is constantly logging complaints about missing articles of clothing. We are awaiting confirmation that this is directly correlated with Kasumi's problem. We do not feel the need to directly investigate ourselves. _

_Zaeed appears to repel social interactions from the rest of the Normandy's crew. This may be a case of a similar problem this platform is experiencing, specifically that organics suffer from intimidation and fear. The specific details of this phenomenon has not been fully documented at this point and we are unable to attain a consensus of this matter. _

_The Krogan, Grunt, has not found way to multiply his productivity and is relegated to strict combat uses. While Grunt may not have a problem with this, it is an inefficient use of space and resources considering the fact that combat time has dropped significantly since the destruction of the collector base. _

_Miranda and Jack cannot function together for prolonged periods. Taking them together in combat runs a significant risk. On one hand heightened aggression increases the probability of combat success. On the other hand, there is a chance that they could obliterate each other. We have cautioned Shepard-Commander on this issue. Close proximity also endangers the structural integrity of the ship._

_Creator Tali-Zorah refuses prolonged communications with this platform despite Shepard-Commander's recommendation that we seek better relations. We will not work on the equation for peace by ourselves. _

_Most of the secondary crew is still suspicious of Mess Sergent Gardner's provisions. _

_EDI still must reprimand Mordin to desist the pursuit of "insane experiments." Note that this is coming from an artificial intelligence. _

_We have reached consensus that these factors, among other things, are starting to cause an adverse effect Shepard-Commander. His behavior patterns are starting to suggest an increasingly unstable operating system. _

_Shepard-Commander has recently taken up "smoking." _

_Shepard-Commander has also taken up discussing ethics and possible contingency outcomes with this platform. _

_While smoking._

"Gosh, I can't stand the Illusive Man." Shepard grumbled, cigar stuck in his mouth as he leaned on a nearby console.

"Shepard-Commander, smoking poses several health hazards for organics. We suggest you extinguish the cigarette." Legion replied.

"This is a cigar, Legion." Shepard retorted with a wry smile.

"The health warning still stands. Is there you have willingly decided to continue this habit?" Legion asked with questioning, upturned flaps.

"Stress relief, something to take the edge off. Maybe also to once again one up the Illusive Man." Shepard grinned darkly.

Legion's head flaps shuffled for a moment, as if carefully considering his next statement.

"The human Sigmund Freud would have several key things to say about that."

Shepard raised an eyebrow as he chewed the cigar for a moment.

"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, Legion. Ah screw it, I just hate the Illusive Man." Shepard muttered, raising an erect middle finger over his head.

"Shepard-Commander, we recognized that gesture to be one of contempt among most organics. We do not recognize its context use in this situation." Legion admitted.

"Bah, I know the Illusive Man is watching. He's got bugs all over the place so every now and then I like to remind him on where we stand." Shepard shrugged.

Unsure on how to respond, Legion simply stood stoically in silence.

_Organics usually communicate orally. After some time and observation, as well as research through FTL channels, we have reached consensus that such communication, talking, can signal an emotional state in some individuals. When Creator Tali'Zorah is nervous she can sound off like an insufficiently greased engine run by vorcha damaged in their frontal cortex._

_ An earlier incident with Creator Tali'Zorah demonstrates a need for further analysis on the intricacies of organic communication. _

_..._

"Creator Tali'Zorah, as suggested by Shepard-Commander to improve Creator and Geth relations, we wish to engage you in conversation."

"Very well, Legion. What shall we talk about?" Tali asked, not even looking at the machine.

"We would like to return to an older question. Do we have a soul?" Legion asked.

Tali took a moment to think, a finger where her chin would be.

"Legion, are you familiar with the error code '404?'" Tali finally asked.

"Error code 404, a human programming message designating that a file or item is missing within a software reading." Legion replied.

"There's your answer, Legion." Tali shrugged before promptly returning to her work.

…

_We did not find this answer to flow well within the context pattern. We are building consensus as to whether that was a sincere answer, sarcasm, banter or a combination thereof. Consensus has not been achieved after 78.4 hours. _

Legion was interrupted by Shepard again.

"I don't get it, man. I was just thinking about Horizon where Ashley pretty much gave me the riot act. You know, I honestly might have been able to forgive her, but when she said 'I'm no fan of aliens' after all we had been through, I honestly wondered why she had not grown in two years." Shepard muttered.

"Organics are known to develop at different levels." Legion simply replied. He did not feel like he could provide anymore insight.

Legion noted that the AI core was becoming dimmer on account of Shepard's constant smoking.

"I mean, really! I was dead for two years, woman. Don't be mad at me for not contact you when not a single electrical impulse was firing in my paperweight brain!" Shepard growled.

Legion declined to respond.

"And while I'm on the topic of how little I understand women, don't get me wrong, Tali's a good girl and all but why would she ever put her life at risk for romance? 'A kiss could send me to the hospital! Are you interested in me, Shepard?' Come on girl, as a friend who respects you and cares about you I'm not going to pursue a romantic relationship with you and endanger your health." Shepard ranted.

"Organic hormones tend to interfere with logical reasoning, Shepard-Commander." Legion said.

"Yeah, that's what Mordin told me about Miranda. I know, she's an acquired taste but once you get to know her I don't think she's that bad." Shepard shrugged.

As if on cue, Miranda stepped into the AI core. She coughed a few times on account of all the smoke that had built up.

"Shepard, you really need to break that habit." Miranda scolded between coughs.

Shepard only shrugged sheepishly.

"What are you doing here, anyway?" Miranda asked.

"Just chatting with Legion, but I do have a question for you now that I think about it." Shepard said to Miranda.

"What is it?"

"You said you had to rebuild me, right? Did you happen to use any of the shrapnel you pulled from me?" Shepard asked curiously.

Miranda sighed, closely resembling someone who had been caught with a dirty secret.

"Yes. You don't want to know just how much shrapnel we pulled out of your corpse and it was readily available. A lot of your upgrades and replacement parts came from the very material we pulled out of you." Miranda admitted.

A wide smile spread on Shepards face as he threw both arms into the air in triumph.

"Whoo! Yes!" Shepard whooped.

Both Legion and Miranda stared at him.

"I don't think I quite follow, Shepard." Miranda muttered.

"That shrapnel came from the _Normandy_. Ergo, I _am_ the _Normandy_!" Shepard deduced.

Miranda brought a hand to her forehead as she exited the room.

"I'm dating a dork." Miranda muttered.

"Shepard-Commander, we have an inquiry." Legion announced.

"Go ahead, Legion." Shepard replied, tossing his cigar only to replace it with a completely new and suspicious looking joint.

"We have been reviewing data retrieved during combat. Due to the nature of modern mass accelerator weapons, we believe we have found a way to cut the medi-gel consumption of the crew by 72.34 percent." Legion said.

"That sounds great, hit me." Shepard replied excitedly.

"Considering crew member selection history, it would be expedient that Subject Jack and Samara Justicar be equipped with military grade combat hardsuits in addition to kinetic barriers." Legion explained.

Shepard was silent for a moment, barely taking drags from his cigar.

"We await your response, Shepard-Commander." Legion finally said.

"Good idea, Legion; just one problem." Shepard replied.

"What is this problem?" Legion inquired.

"If you want your platform to remain in one piece and fully operational, I'd suggest you follow and old human policy. It's called 'Don't ask, don't tell.'" Shepard replied.

Despite all 1183 programs quickly deliberating what this could possibly mean, they had not been able to come up with a consensus.

And at that moment, Grunt walked into the room.

"Shepard, I have a question." Grunt announced.

"I know, you want something big to kill but I'm telling you, thresher maws kind of put the bar really high up there." Shepard replied quickly.

"Exactly, I think I've found the solution." Grunt said excitedly.

"Oh boy..." Shepard sighed.

"I was doing an extranet search. How about we go hunt dinosaurs? Even better, I heard they're from your home planet, Earth." Grunt grinned.

"Grunt. They're extinct." Shepard said bluntly.

"What?" Grunt demanded, sounding as if Christmas was cancelled.

"They all died. Kaput." Shepard shrugged.

"Did you kill them all, Shepard?" Grunt demanded.

"Nope. Died from an asteroid, Grunt." Shepard explained.

Grunt's countenance just became dark as he pouted and stomped out of the drive core.

"Shepard Commander, we're detecting mind altering substances entering your blood stream. You should consider ceasing operations of that cigar or risk instability of your operating system." Legion warned.

"Shhh...Legion...I just realized something..." Shepard whispered.

Legion was not sure if he wanted to respond.

"The Beatles! They foresaw everything! They predicted it all!" Shepard suddenly cried, a deranged look in his eye.

Legion's head flaps elevated slightly.

Shepard turned on his omni-tool and activated a music file that started to play. Legion was soon able to deduce that it was an old song originating from Earth. Specifically, it was the Beatles' "Yellow Submarine."

"_...Lived a man who sailed the sea, and he told us of his life in the land of submarines..."_

"See, see! Indoctrination!" Shepard blathered excitedly.

"_...So sailed up to the sun, till we found the sea of green..." _

"See, it all makes sense, gathering the indoctrinated and husks into the ship!" Shepard added excitedly.

Legion's flashlight headed started to blink.

"_And our friend are all aboard, many more of them live next door..."_

"They're indoctrinating and collecting whole colonies! They saw it all!" Shepard shouted.

"Shepard-Commander, your theories are committing several leaps of logic and that your operating system has crashed-"

"Wait, wait, there's more, I'm not done, Legion." Shepard interrupted, his omni-tool switching to yet another music file, this time the Beatles' "Taxman."

"_...Should five percent appear too small, just be glad I don't take it all." _

"Collectors!" Shepard shouted.

_We are still trying to achieve consensus on multiple issues. We calculate that at current progress, and should no more difficult questions arise, we will be able to achieve consensus on all matters in 647.58 standard solar years. _

_While there always will be a possibility of organics being a threat to our existence, we have agreed that they are more of a threat to themselves. We can at least be assured that we will remain the most logical race in the galaxy. _

_Shepard Commander is currently stringing up this platform in "Christmas lights." _

_We earnestly await the completion of this mission._

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><p><em>Author's note<em>_: I don't own Taxman or Yellow Submarine, the Beatles made those. Also, don't do drugs. Legion doesn't understand why organics would do such things. _


End file.
